Nice Hair-do

Downloaded photos from my iPhone. Next few blogs will be back-tracked a little.

At the hospital, Stephanie entertaining Beatrice, doing her hair and giving her snacks.

Isabelle - Our Girl in Heaven

I've never get to feel your kick
I've never get to hear you cry
I've never get to touch your soft skin
I've never get to see your beautiful eyes

I've got to hear your heart beat
I've got to know you are my little girl at 14 weeks
I've got to see you sucking your little finger
That's all I got to see during the scans at the clinic

You left us when you were 19 weeks in my womb
But we know you are with Jesus
Well taken care by His angels
We will get to meet you again in future


Our Little Isabelle Chng
Mommy, Daddy & Beatrice jiejie love you.

Isabelle - Our Beautiful Girl

These are some of the scan photos collected from the past few visits to the clinic.

15-Apr-2010



Her heart beat



23-Apr-2010



10-May-2010



31-May-2010



14-Jun-2010

Clot blood



It's a GIRL!



2-Jul-2010

Her head diameter. Just like Beatrice, she has slightly bigger head than other babies.

I want My Mei Mei

I was just out of the op theatre 3 hours ago, chatted with visitors, yet to get thoughts in order. Beatrice asked us questions about her mei mei, we were not mentally prepared at all.

She has been to hospital with me to see newborn babies, I guess she is expecting to see her mei mei that evening too.

Bea: Mommy, where is my mei mei? I want to see mei mei.
Mom: Mei mei went to heaven to be with Jesus.
Bea: (think..) Mei mei coming back later?
Mom: Beatrice, Mei mei is not coming back.
Bea: (think..) We will go look for mei mei?
Mom: We will get to see mei mei in heaven when we grow old.
Bea: Grow old?
Mom: Yes, when we grow old & meet Jesus in heaven, mei mei will be there.

I was holding on to my tears when she asked me these questions. Not once, but many times. At her age, she don't really understand about pregnancy & death. So the questions just keep coming back to her mind. She is still asking about her mei mei, when is mei mei coming back, can we see her etc.

My Feelings

While waiting for each procedure, a few nurses came explaining/shared their personal experience to comfort me. I was glad that they assigned the senior nurses to see to my needs at both the ward & labour ward. A pastoral carer from the chapel came to chat with me too. I was holding hard not to tear (showing the strong me). I am a human, I have feelings, I am a mom too, just that I didn't want to break down in front of others whom I'm not closed with.

I felt lost when contraction intensity just keep increasing every hour, seeing the bleeding from little to horrifying. I know I could no longer hold the baby in the womb. I was sad. I questioned myself was it my fault.

19 weeks is almost half-way through the pregnancy. Started 1st trimester with spotting which was a common sight for many pregnant woman. But my 2nd trimester started with bleeding & a low placenta. 2 days before I was hospitalised, there was only the usual 1st morning bleeding and throughout the day, no spotting. Brian said it happened too fast for us to think or react to it.

I cried when I was left alone in the labour ward while Brian needed some warm air outside. I cried at the hospital bed after Stephanie left. She accompany me till 11pm that night. I could no longer hold my tear anymore. I told myself not to question God. God has a purpose for everything. I know God still loves me and my girl is in good hands with Him in heaven.

My gynea was a little worried when he chatted with me cos I didn't cry like any other woman. He kept telling me to call him if I need help, there are professionals around to help me through this period. He even prescribed sleeping pills for me when I was discharged. But I try not to rely on medicine.

I shared with Dawn I wanted to blog and let go & get back to life. I know readers might comment but this is my blog, I can write anything I wanted to.

Thanks to all our closed friends & relatives for spending time with us during this week, you have not just came by once, but many times to ensure that we are alright. And many others who have called or left messages for us & praying for us.

Don't Cry

When I first read this poem on my iPhone at the hospital bed, I melted down.

Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you
And then He changed His mind

You see, I am a special Child
And I am needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him
The product of your love

I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my eyes shining bright

You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me, in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me! I'll be there
Planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That's me! I'll be there
Giving your heart a hug

So, Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy don't you cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies

We Lost the Battle

13-July-2010 6am, I went to the toilet & could felt gashing liquid flow out from me. Checked the toilet bowl, not much bleeding, thought of amniotic sac burst came to my mind. Cleaned up, went back to bed for a while and could felt the contraction shortly after. Told Brian the incident and told him we need to either go hospital or clinic 1st thing in the morning. Gave ourselves some time to get ready, sent Beatrice to school, call up the emergency number given by the clinic. Gynea called back shortly, explained to him what happened and he told us to see him at the clinic at 9am when it opens.

Reached the clinic at 8.45am, waited for them to open. Gynea checked the amniotic fluid, baby, placenta etc, told us to be admitted to hospital immediately. Could see the drastic change in amniotic sac size from the scan. He mentioned there was a leaked, should be due to infection. Gave me a double dosage jab to stop the contraction & further bleeding.

At the hospital, went through the tests, given anti-biotics, bedrest, pray & confess. Waited for gynea to drop by during lunch to explain. The test confirmed an infection, cause of infection not known. He asked us to be mentally prepared for the worse.

14-July-2010, gynea came in the morning. Given green light to at least walk to the toilet, and that was the only place. He told the nurse to arrange for a scan to check the amniotic fluid volume. By noon, bleeding stop. Evening, nurse explained amniotic fluid volume too low.

15-July-2010 3.30am: Woken up by the contraction. Told the nurse, they monitor on CTG & told me nothing, very mild.
4.30am: Told the nurse the intensity has increased & bleeding too, asked me to monitor again.
5.30am: Told the nurse more intense than 4.30am, can they called up my gynea & check with him. They put me on CTG again, this time round, they asked for help from labour ward & they managed to detect that I'm having contraction. ~faint~
6.30am: They decided to inform my gynea. Message Brian about the contraction.
7.30am: Brian came. Ask them for pain killer or something. Told me instruction not given, gynea on the way. Argh!
8am: Ask the nurse to call my gynea for some form of pain killer! Throw out the water that I drank earlier & bleeding was horrifying!! I myself was shock by the amount of clot blood & bleeding. Nurse came back with a jab to relieve some pain. (Based on 1st pregnancy experience, I'm not one that can take contraction pain even if it's mild to them on CTG). Well, not much relieve anyway.
8.30am: Gynea call the ward to ask why is patient not in labour ward? They then decided to push me to labour ward. Gynea came, explained the situation to us. Asked for epidural. By this time, the pain was almost unbearable.
9.30am: Epidural given, relieve on my face. The midwives told Brian, she was so pale before the epidural, now she looks so much better. But due to the earlier jab & epidural (double drowsy), my eyes could hardly open the moment epidural was given. They asked me a few questions, and I think I answered correctly.
11am: Contraction intensity increase, asked for higher dosage of epidural. The junior nurse told me only doctor can make decision. Tell her off, ask her to call the senior nurse that has been attending to me previously. Haha! Dosage increased. The next few hours is basically waiting game till gynea came by again.
3pm: Gynea came. Brian decided not to see the procedure which I think it's good for him too. For myself, I decided not to see the foetus but somehow I can still see from some angle. Delivered the foetus in 1 simple push. It's then another waiting game for an operating theatre to do D&C (dilation and curettage).
5pm: D&C. The theatre bed.. I thought I was in space! The nurse was trying to tilt the bed so that the epidural can flow to my left leg which I was still able to move then. But somehow she doesn't know how to control the ball-bearing and I was "flying" in all direction.. left, right, head down, legs down. She apologised. Then they adjusted my lower body to my gynea eye level.. head down! My gynea told the nurse.. "Hello, she is awake, do you know how uneasy it is to be head down?" They then adjusted me back to level. Chatted a little with my gynea at the op theatre during the 15min procedure.