My Feelings

While waiting for each procedure, a few nurses came explaining/shared their personal experience to comfort me. I was glad that they assigned the senior nurses to see to my needs at both the ward & labour ward. A pastoral carer from the chapel came to chat with me too. I was holding hard not to tear (showing the strong me). I am a human, I have feelings, I am a mom too, just that I didn't want to break down in front of others whom I'm not closed with.

I felt lost when contraction intensity just keep increasing every hour, seeing the bleeding from little to horrifying. I know I could no longer hold the baby in the womb. I was sad. I questioned myself was it my fault.

19 weeks is almost half-way through the pregnancy. Started 1st trimester with spotting which was a common sight for many pregnant woman. But my 2nd trimester started with bleeding & a low placenta. 2 days before I was hospitalised, there was only the usual 1st morning bleeding and throughout the day, no spotting. Brian said it happened too fast for us to think or react to it.

I cried when I was left alone in the labour ward while Brian needed some warm air outside. I cried at the hospital bed after Stephanie left. She accompany me till 11pm that night. I could no longer hold my tear anymore. I told myself not to question God. God has a purpose for everything. I know God still loves me and my girl is in good hands with Him in heaven.

My gynea was a little worried when he chatted with me cos I didn't cry like any other woman. He kept telling me to call him if I need help, there are professionals around to help me through this period. He even prescribed sleeping pills for me when I was discharged. But I try not to rely on medicine.

I shared with Dawn I wanted to blog and let go & get back to life. I know readers might comment but this is my blog, I can write anything I wanted to.

Thanks to all our closed friends & relatives for spending time with us during this week, you have not just came by once, but many times to ensure that we are alright. And many others who have called or left messages for us & praying for us.